You’re pregnant? Wow! Congratulations!
Book in and see a midwife immediately. You’ve been taking folic acid for a few months already, right? Rest if you’re tired. But stay active. Take vitamins. Only the right kind though. Eat whatever you can keep down. But eat healthily. Drink plenty of water. Don’t drink caffeine. Don’t drink alcohol. How much did you used to drink? Have you had ANY alcohol this pregnancy? You don’t do drugs do you? You don’t smoke do you? You haven’t EVER smoked have you?
Eat fish. Not too much fish. But plenty of fish. And the right kind of fish. And not too much. Make sure your meat is well cooked. Your eggs are well cooked. Don’t eat that cheese. And possibly not that salmon. Maybe not those prawns. Definitely not those oysters. Probably not that salami, who knows, best not.
Stay away from chemicals, do you use plastic? Teflon? Machined clothes? Possibly don’t. We’re not sure, but best not. Don’t wash with soap. Don’t use perfume. Don’t let yourself go, keep your partner interested! Have sex. But be careful.
Keep up with the house work while you can. Don’t overdo it. Stay active. Don’t do anything too strenuous. Sleep whilst you still can. Exercise. Not too much though. You’ll know how much is enough.
Has the baby moved yet? Is it still moving? How much? How often? When? Have you bonded yet? Talk to it. Read to it. Play it music. Don’t be a pushy parent already. Isn’t this a magical time? Are you getting enough selenium?
How big is it? Too small? Too big? Lie there. Turn this way. Pee in this. Don’t worry.
You’ll want to breastfeed or your baby will be stupid, fat, slow and sickly. Formula is poison. You’re still not smoking right?
Practice breathing. Practice positions. Make a plan. Dont expect to follow the plan. Don’t raise your expectations. Do hypnobirthing. Let go of control. Learn about pain relief. Don’t use pain relief. Learn about complications. Don’t scare yourself. Be prepared. Don’t over prepare. Have you packed your hospital bag yet? You won’t need al that stuff. You forgot something.
Is it here yet? Felt anything yet? Are you in labour? No, real labour. How often? How intense? How long? Stay at home. Come in. Go home. Come back. You should have been here sooner. Your body knows what to do. Your body isn’t doing it right. Have this needle. Have this drug. It’s necessary. Stand up. Stay active. Lie down. Don’t try to get up. It’s your choice. You’re in control. Do this or your baby may die. That trace doesn’t look good. I don’t like that heartbeat. What would you like to do? Listen to me. Stop crying. Make a decision. Make sure it’s the right one. Can you feel your legs? Your chest? Your tongue? Push. Don’t push. Stop screaming. Push. More. Harder. Your body knows what to do.
Your baby is here!
Don’t get up. Rest. Why aren’t you breastfeeding yet? Do it now or you won’t bond. We’re taking the baby. Where’s your baby? Why aren’t you up yet? Your baby is hungry. Why haven’t you showered? Have you changed her? Keep baby clean. Not with wipes. Don’t overdo it. Have you bonded yet? It’s the most natural thing in the world. Your baby is hungry again. Don’t carry your baby out there. Don’t wrap her like that. Don’t put her down like that. I’ll carry her out for you. Is the seat in properly? Is it a new one? How long has she been in it? Don’t wake a sleeping baby.
Support the head. Put her feet to foot or she’ll die. Put her on her back or she’ll die. Don’t let her overheat or she’ll die. Don’t put her in a draft. Keep her warm. Extra layers. Not too many. But more than you. Is she too hot? Better check. Don’t disturb her. Let her sleep. She should have fed again by now. Wake her up. How many wet nappies? How many today? Has she pooed yet? How much? What colour? How long is she feeding for? Are you sure she’s swallowing? That’s too much. That’s not enough. Just keep going. It’s natural. You’ll both learn.
Why are you so anxious?