I’m writing this the evening before my induction, at 40 weeks plus 10 days pregnant. Things haven’t quite worked out the way I’d hoped.
Despite weeks of intense Brixton Hicks contractions and false starts, there is still no sign of baby. I can’t help but feel a little let down by all the reassurances I’ve had from health professionals, about second labours generally coming earlier and easier. I’m trying not to let it affect my trust in them as I prepare to hand over my vulnerability to them in the coming days. I know that nothing is certain and that we don’t get to pick and choose or control these things.
I’m allowing myself some space to feel disappointed though, that feels important. I don’t do empty positive thinking – I think it’s at best ineffective and at worst invalidating, I prefer to honour my difficult feelings no matter how painful that might be. It really does feel important to acknowledge, this is not how I wanted things to be, not again. It makes me cringe slightly when the ‘It’ll all be fine’ brigade try to cheerlead me along. Because it might not. It’s already not. I’d rather you just sat beside me, gave me a hug, and maybe just said, I’m sorry it’s not how you want it to be.
So how did I get here? My whole birth plan has been about avoiding certain things – amongst those, induction and augmented Labour. However, the closer I’ve gotten to the point where the only real option left is an elective section, the less appealing that has seemed. I’ve spoken to friends, family and Twitter family about their various experiences with both sections and inductions and it just made me realise, no one method is guaranteed to make things easier. I’ve done a little more reading around both, and actually realised there was a lot I didn’t know. Like the fact that last time I had what’s known as an augmented labour, and that there are induction methods you try before you get near a syntocinon drip. Before I knew it I was sat in front of my obstetrician uttering words I never thought I’d hear myself say. I’m willing to try induction again. (I just read that back. Am I nuts??! Don’t answer that).
I tell myself that it IS different this time – there’s the option of mobile epidural so I don’t feel like a prisoner chained to a hospital bed. Ditto for intermittent monitoring or telemetry if more observation is needed. And one big mighty reassurance that at any time, short of being about to push, i can back out and opt for a section.
It’s been a headfuck trying to manage all my various risks – pre-eclampsia, birth trauma, postpartum haemorrhage, then all the stuff that comes after – postpartum psychosis and postnatal depression- some choices just seem impossible because the options are good for mediating one risk but bad for another, or vice versa.
When it comes down to it, I’d rather avoid major surgery if I can, and hopefully have a more straightforward recovery, so I am willing to give induction a go. I just have to keep my eye on my goals and the things I want to avoid – I do not want a vaginal birth at all costs. The forceps I had last time, although I don’t have any traumatic memories about their use, left me so bruised and sore that I’m not sure my recovery was any quicker or less painful than a section. I certainly still can’t get my head around the idea of being able to walk the same day as giving birth, let alone go home. I also need to keep my eye on how long it all takes – the main focus postpartum to minimise risk of psychosis is going to be rest, and I don’t want to start off from a position of major sleep deprivation again. As for pain, well I think I’ll just have to roll with the punches on that one.
So here we are. Lunchtime tomorrow I’ll get one of the prostaglandin pessaries, with 24 hours to see what happens, followed by a 6hr one if there’s no movement. At my (two, unsuccessful) sweeps I was examined to be ‘favourable’ (a glowing review, if ever I heard one, haha!) with some dilation and effacement already. The first one did *ahem* dislodge a few things too so hopefully this will start something off. That’s better than the sweep in my first pregnancy, where the midwife couldn’t even reach my cervix let alone do anything with it. And after 24 hrs of labour I was still only 1-2cm. After the pessary I’ll be able to go home so in theory I won’t get caught in the snare of the hospital and their cascade of ‘might as well’ interventions.
I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself this evening – I’ve done some pregnancy yoga, and even some visualisation relaxation that helps with birth trauma. I have to say, it really helped me feel more positive about the whole thing and more excited to meet baby, rather than being weighed down by all the negatives. Husband is working late tonight, which is a shame as I could really do with an early night and I usually wait for him to come home before bed.
There’s nothing left to do but wait – bag is packed, appointment is made, babysitters informed. Deep breath, here goes, see you on the other side.